I have wanted to write this blog for about 2 or 3 years now but could not bring myself to it.
Something crazy happened today; it breaks my heart cause it's not the first time, and I'm afraid to say it won't be the last time. "They" said the revolution would be televised, and everything we are seeing has been prophesied. When did white sheets become blue uniforms, and they hate us simply because of how we were born. Try and speak up, and they murder you too; blood on their hands means nothing to them. All I have seen on my timeline in the last few months were black-lives splattered on the pavement.
All I can think is you can't dance to our Rhythm & then turn a blind eye to our Blues.
As a black man in America with recent continued events that have gone on in this world, you become numb to it all. However, with the murder of George Floyd, it feels a little different. I have had some tough days recently, but I have faith, and I'm trying to keep hope that one-day things will change.
I don't fit in anywhere, which isn't always a bad thing, but with everything going on right now, you start to feel more and more alone in the aspect of no one being able to relate. What I need the most is understanding! For people to realize no matter where I am or go, I will always be the odd man out. I have to navigate and reform of the standards of others to fit in. I can't speak my mind the way I want because I am labeled hostile or angry when I do, but it's the passion you see. I'm not having an identity crisis because I know who I am. I'm having a problem with showing "ME" in an unapologetic way. The sad thing is, as a black man, you are put in a box. No matter what race, I'm seen in a way that's not me. If I respect women and don't treat them like objects, I must be gay. If I speak proper English, I'm whitewashed. If I wear my clothes a certain way, I'm a thug. The hard truth is to most people, all they will ever see is a NIGGER.
There are days I don't particularly appreciate how I look because I am black, and because I am black, I realize some people will not like you. So now I have to over Compensate with how I dress, how I am as a friend to people. I have to do more to feel accepted and still feel like I didn't do enough at the end of the day. I see this in some of my friendships. One of my best friends I realized this year like you have never asked me to hang out. I see you ask everyone else; you support everyone else with reposts or purchases but not me. Is it a me thing? Being black hurts your confidence somehow; if it's not a black thing, maybe it is a me thing. I do all I can to be the best I can as a friend and human, but I am still not good enough? Am I just your BLACK Friend? So instead of questioning your Friend, you ask yourself. You overcompensate for your skin color do things to be a better friend. Give everything you can emotionally to friendships to be unappreciated and then left empty. It is always put on you, the black man, to do things to change you to fit in even more. These are the reasons why we have people in our community that don't want to be black. We are also so critical of our kind, so we then are not accepted anywhere.
I have also seen that people I called some of my closest friends are not really "Friends." Another friend told me that they did not believe in racism. Everything that was happening was not the cause of racism but could be due to someone not liking someone else for other reasons and that the black community is overreacting. I will be honest when I tell you that broke my heart. Some of you will never know what we face. I had asked for an application at Pacsun when I was 17, and the manager told me, "Take it you fuckin NIGGER." Or I didn't get the job at "Base" because I was too "Fashion Forward," aka Black. So now I go through life having to think something is wrong with me. That I am not good enough, get told you are cute for a Black guy and left to say thank you when that is not a compliment.
We live in a world whereas the Blackman, you have to change so much of yourself to fit in. To get a job, to be friends with this crowd. To go to the school of your choice, and after all that, you will still be just that token black person. So when you look at it, you still have nothing on your side other than what the Whiteman chooses to give you.
They say freedom of speech, but this does not apply to the Black Community. The First Amendment was freedom of speech, but at this time, Blacks were slaves meaning that this Amendment and the next 12 did not apply to Black people. I realize I still don't have a voice. I have to watch what I post and what I say, then the question is, was I even heard? I have to be careful how I handle and do things while I see my peers without a care in the world. I have grown up and have been taught to do this cause WE have to, to be partly excepted.
This is what SICK & TIRED looks like. There are some of you out there that are on our side; we thank you. We have others that say you don't see color. Well, you have to "see" color to see us. I am not just your Friend; I need you to see me as your BLACK Friend. Stop telling us how to feel or how to express ourselves. How many more lives have to be taken before you realize what is going on.
I have way too many people telling me this would never happen to me because I act accordingly. What they don't see is when they kill us, they justify it. We get killed for playing in the park, taking a jog, sitting on the couch in our own house. It doesn't matter what we do because we do not matter to you until the city is on fire, but you are quiet when my brothers and sisters die. I look at some of my friends that have posted Black boxes, but they are quiet. How can you be quiet? 🤐 You are no better if you're silent. So how many more people have to die until you are ready to stand up? It's a shame I have to ask that.
We have to realize the government did not build this world for Blacks to achieve much, but we still thrive but still don't get treated fairly. The first 12 amendments were written and did not apply to Black people because Blacks were enslaved and had no rights at the time of their writings. It wasn't until 60+ years later that we were granted "Freedom." But we are still not free. Those 12 amendments do not apply to us. These injustices have been going on for over 200 years, and just because we thrive in areas does not mean we are okay. We have to act fine to make everyone else feel okay. We have to be cool with everything to make others feel comfortable. Well, this is not a time of comfort. We need to be uncomfortable; that's where change starts to come...
Some of you may feel this was uncomfortable to read. Well, I say to you, "Be uncomfortable, make people uncomfortable because now is not the time to be comfortable."
Check out a Playlist I have created for the culture Called "Terrell Garnett Presents: We Still Matter" Click Here