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You Don't See Me

"You might see me smiling but inside, I'm dying too proud to let it show! I can't take this emptiness, and I can't keep going on like this... To the world, I might appear to b the life of the party, but Y'all don't SEE ME!"

We all have our struggles; we label and judge others because they look different than us. We say, "stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." This is a statement that I find false. Words do hurt! You hear people tell stories about how people say they believe they are ugly or fat at only 120 pounds. The reason behind this is because they have heard it all of their lives. Well, I can relate to being labeled by others because I have been made fun of for being gay since I was a child, even though I'm heterosexual (straight.) I have had to deal with people calling me gay nearly every day growing up in school. The crazy thing is It’s not because I have been with another man or because they have seen photos of me with men. It’s my mannerisms. It’s how I dress because I dress very well, and I mean very well. It’s because of how I enunciate and articulate my words. It’s dumb. These are ignorant remarks.

I have been dealing with people calling me gay since I was in middle school because of things I can’t control. It sucks. It does break you down. I don’t cry about it, but it does hurt. I hate it. You have family members questioning, but why would it matter if one was gay or straight? What would it change in the relationship you share with that person you love?

Also, we hear about people being overweight and how it is so hard for them. We make jokes they work hard and lose weight. However, when it comes to people saying you're too skinny, you should eat more, you look sickly. What do you do? Well, I face this every day. Your family tells you to eat more you look too skinny. How can you say nicely, "Bitch, I do eat!" Haha, I say all this to say no matter what you look like or how you act, stay true to yourself. Love yourself. When I die, I want people to remember me as real to myself and never apologizing for who I am. Everything is about being comfortable in your own skin. That is where real beauty comes from, no matter what size or color you are.

I've been fighting so hard with my inner self to become a better person. I felt that if I'm a better person, people will then value me. If I go above and beyond for friends, then I would be appreciated and feel loved. I found that in my search for appreciation, I felt more and more empty. I found that the friends I did everything for, which I put above others, were not there for me when I needed them most, making me feel like I'm the issue. Like something is wrong with me. What do I have to change about myself to feel validated? Which led me to change myself in ways that I thought were best for me. Things that I found important were not to others. Such as keeping your word. If you say yes to something or someone, you follow through with it. Making time for friends when they need me or even when they don't. That led me to see those same people would not make time for me; they honestly haven't. I have come to realize doing this made it to where I allowed them to use me. No-fault on their part. They don't even realize what they are doing. They now expect these things of me. It has now become a thing that is just what you do. Like it is my job. Once I stopped doing those things, my friendships have changed. It hurts, but it's my life. People will hit me up to get them a discount but will not hit me up to hang out. I allowed myself to be the glorified shoe plug. We are all busy, but we make time for those who are important to us.

Last year was a rough one. I confronted my absentee father, almost lost my mother, felt I lost my best friend, and even contemplated suicide because all of this was on me. Not to mention dealing with the fact of what I faced as a child.

I have to remind myself some days, "I am not weak; you just have heavy things on my mind." I have to tell myself I am a great person an even better friend. It is funny how you post how you feel about social media, and your friends will get mad at you for speaking your truth. However not get angry at what they did to you.

These are the makings of me. I am far from perfect. I try every day to be a better me. I make mistakes. All one can do is wake up the next day and try to make it better than my last. I want to be a role model to others on how to keep on pushing, to never give up on yourself when friends give up on you and family doubts you. I want to show people; even when you do not feel valued or appreciated, you do not stop the things you do that make you who you are. We all come from different backgrounds; we all look and act differently, that doesn't make you less of a person. I want little boys to know that just because your father wasn't there doesn't make you less of a man. Most importantly, always speak your mind and never shy away because people close to you will get mad and treat you differently. Stay true to the core of you. Don't lose yourself on how your loved ones or society will define you as a person. I am a king, and no one can tell me any different.

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